Week 11 - the Sounds of Silence

With only three games left before postseason play begins, it seems team owners have yet to hit the panic button despite the ever-approaching trade deadline. After a ferocious week 10, trade activity has slowed to a complete stop.

"You know, I kind of think it's one of those calm before the storm type of deals...like that time I went into the Spearmint Rhino in Vegas with no sleep in 72 hours and grabbed that Hungarian stripper's hooters. I don't know if it was the lean or what, but it got reeaaaal quiet in that mofo. Then, out of nowhere Suge Knight kept telling me I owed him money and just came at me like a rabid dog...or is it a dog with rabies? Whatever it was, that fool was straight trippin," said league commish Christopher Vittetoe.


The TX Torpedoes currently hold the #1 seed, and I see them slipping by the Dannah Montanas. If the Redskins have a very good statistical game against the Cowboys Sunday night, Dannah has a fighter's chance to take it. The Torpedoes got off to a good start with Kicker Gostkowski netting 13 pts last night, but team owner Danny Brosseau didn't care to watch...he was too busy getting his hasidic jew on at the Palladium. "Ye bo dup de do de do be bo" said Matisyahu.

We have a few marquee matchups this weekend. 4 teams with similar records go head to head: 5-5 Team Awesome battles 5-5 Chaos Theory and 5-5 Freaky Deaky takes on 4-6 Heavy Hangers. Whichever teams win these games will have a significant advantage in the race to the playoffs.

Is Freaky Deaky team owner Brett Miles so cocky that he's rolling without a defensive player this weekend? "Yeah, pretty much I'm the shit. I mean, I waxed Rambie's ass, didn't I?" said Miles. Freaky Deaky has stormed back into the playoff hunt behind the solid play of Tyler Thigpen, who might just get this year's Trent Edwards Award, and Deaky looks to make a statement against the Heavy Hangers. Team Owner Joe Wayne Fly got another solid game from Thomas Jones who had 100+ yards and a TD in the J-E-T-S overtime win over the Pats last night. If Fly can finally get a complete team effort, with strong games from Brees AND Garrard, I like the Hangers to win.

5-5 Team Awesome, pissed after trading away MJD, had a solid game from Wes Welker and looks to take down arch-rival, lifelong nemesis William Patterson Denton. "I hate that bitch," said Awesome GM Knouse. "Ever since he moved onto Purdue it's been a turf war. From the UP mascot election, where he wanted to be the Raiders and I wanted to be the Spiders...to a middle school love triangle between the two of us Lindsey Verrell...to karoke night the FIJI house. It just never stops." McFadden is healthy for Team Chaos, but this one is a coin-flip in my opinion.

Team Hughes had a solid game from Brett Farve, picking up 22 pts. The bigger issue here is on the opposite sideline, where there's talk of a mutiny on SA El Squid Row. "Our GM, Mr. Riley...no comment," said Row wide receiver Brandon Marshall. Riley seems to have the talent in place to make a solid push and string some wins together, but the GM just can't put the right combination of players on the field together. After trading for Matt Cassel and defending him adamently to the league, Riley failed to start the QB and was rewarded with a 52 point kick to the balls. Sounds of John Cash can be heard from Asher's office, "What have I become....my sweetest friend? Everyone I love...goes away...in the end. And you could have it all....my empire of dirt. I will let you down....I will make you hurt."

In perhaps the biggest game of the weekend, 7-3 Call Me Adam takes on the 8-2 Cobra Kai in what amount to a money game. The top two finishers win $200, and Shelton knows that. "Man, I need two hundred bucks so bad. My production report goes to shit every fall because of this stupid fantasy league, but I HAVE TO CATCH RAMBIE!" Yes, it seems Shelton's obsession with Rambie's fantasy football team has officially reached a creepy level. "Yeah, Ellis Hobbs, I got that idea from Rambie," Shelton said. "He's the blueprint, the model of consistency, the truth," Shelton said about Rambie. "I know it won't be easy, but if it comes down to time spent on the internet, researching matchups and kickers for 3 weeks down the road, if it comes down to effort??? Yeah, this one is all mine," Shelton stated. Rambie gets # 2 overall pick Tony Romo back this weekend, and the famed Cutler/Romo combination could slice and dice Call Me Adam into submission.

In the spare game of the week, the Silky O'Sullivans take on an improving Frog Killer team. "Shoot me in the head if I have to watch that shit," said league member Dan Harris. "That's like watching the Bengals play the Lions. Seriously, kill me." Well said Dan, well said.