Captain Crunch:Open your Bowels

Frog Killer vs. Call Me Adam (-30)
Not much trade activity in the league this year, but it might be for good reason. No one trusts anyone and not many people are ready to part with the people they drafted. The bye weeks have started and teams are short handed this week. Frog Killer is in a little bit of bind with Marc Bulger benched, Tarvaris Jackson benched, and Brodie Croyle semi-benched/injured. With such a solid RB and WR core, I was sure to see something go down this week, but no moves have been made yet. “Beau couldn’t spot a good quarterback if it slept with his girlfriend. I think the last QB he saw who was worth a damn was former HP star Marshall Smith and we all know where he is now…dating younger,” exalted Shelton. “For all the shitty QB play he has seen at SMU, I am really not surprised he doesn’t have one good one, but I also have Matt Cassell so shit happens.”

I think even without a QB, team owner Beau Brooks will still come out on top. He has some pretty good RB’s and it is rivalry week with the Cows and Deadskins, so I don’t see Shelton’s feature back going off for much needed points. Brooks’ goal this week has to be getting to .500, but let’s see what he thinks. “Some say if you hit .250 and steal a couple bases you’re an all-star,” stated Brooks, “but all I want to do is put some brisket on the slow cooker, grab some beers and watch some football. This fantasy football is fun and all, but it doesn’t rule my life. QB’s come and go; Bo Levi Mitchell might be the starter now, but “in due time” he may figure out how to play a guitar which might slow down his lifestyle and lead him to singing “immortal verses. Who knows, but the key to life is keeping perspective.”

Well said Beau, here is to keeping journalistic integrity.

Chaos Thoery vs. Freaky Deaky (+6)
Brett Miles is the mysterious owner behind Freaky Deaky. Not many people have talked to him or even seen him. He kind of reminds me of Wilson from Tool Time. Every time I talk to him he has some sage advice and keeps such a balance perspective. You see Brett is like 40 years old, but we love him. He knows his sports, especially Bay Area sports. He currently resides in Atlanta and works in Real Estate. Who would of thunk it? I have been trying to get a hold of Brett for the past couple of days trying to work on some trades, talk about Monta Ellis sketchy injury and what he thinks of his chances this weekend, but I have been unable to track him down. Word has it that Atlanta has run out of gas and Brett has been walking to work from his house since Monday. Ironically enough, Miles stopped in at a local Dick’s Sporting Goods because he started getting lonely on his walk to work. In his infinite wisdom, he bought a volleyball and started talking to it—he names it Wilson. After four days of walking, Brett finally made it to work, but was only wearing his underwear and penny loafers and had really bad cotton mouth so he couldn’t talk. His assistant put me of the phone with Wilson so I tried to get a word. _______
Apparently, Wilson doesn’t talk.

After such a shitty week, I think the Freaky Deaky pulls out win #1 of the season. Chaos is steaming right now!

SA EL Squid Row vs. Vince Young Witness (+11)
After scrambling since Week One, VY Witness has found some solace in JT O’Sullivan, Brian Griese, Matt Ryan, and Leon Washington. Unfortunately, for team owner Chris Vittetoe, admitting defeat may be the only answer to the pain as Asher Reilly takes a stable or running backs and the great Jake on the road. The two teams have the same record, but much has changed from the beginning of the season to now. “I really haven’t hit my groove yet. I mean I keep leaving so many bench points on the bench and I am tired of it. I wish I could just get rid of the TE position all together and put in a RB,” stated Reilly. “Plax just got suspended, Braylon has been terrible, Garrard has been terrible, so I picked up ‘Greek Adonis’ Brady Quinn this week, but thank God I am playing VY this week. Normally I would never utter those words, but come on have you seen Vittetoe’s team. He played Bryant Johnson last week instead of Leon Washington; clearly he is losing his mind. I know we have all kind of used Leon as trade bait on every trade over the past couple of the years because he just score points, but in unconventional ways. Vittetoe should stop working so hard and focus on his team you know. He is going down.”

“Well you should have seen my roster 5 minutes before the games last week. I was about to play Fred Jackson and Kevin Faulk,” chimed Vittetoe. “I am done talking to the media; you guys just bring me down. Go talk to my spiritual leader.” What the heck is a spiritual leader? Why does everyone these days have a spiritual leader? Is it like a personal shopper, but for God? I mean I have not been around for a long time, but as far as I can remember my spiritual leader is God and always has been. Next time a 72-year old spiritual leader tells you to leave college early, tell him to FUCK OFF!

Austin TX Baby Heavy Hangers vs. Team Hughes (-38)
Everyone in the league kind of has a cool name except one, Tucker Hughes. I mean its all right to call your team your namesake, but what does that say about you. “I am a narcissist, I love me some me,” said Hughes. “I love banging chicks, pointing into the mirror and giving that wink, you know. There is an idea of a Tucker Hughes; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity.”

Something about that just gives me the creeps, but Hughes is 2-1 on the season. This would have been the game of the week had the insurance industry not imploded this week. I think the Heavy Hangers have a good shot at getting to 3-1 this week, which could create a log jam at 2-2 but my gut is telling me ‘The Entity that is Hughes’ might squeak bye with a victory. Everyone seems to be hit by the bye week and it hopefully will lead to some trades in the not to distant future. Well that’s it; I am taking the points and going with Hughes.

Team Awesome vs. Danna Montana Breakout (+31)
We are finding out quickly how trades can hurt and really hurt you. The sham trade of week one between Awesome and Breakout finally meet in a head to head match-up and Danna might be getting the best of that deal now that the annual “breakout” has occurred. So I caught up with Danna for some thoughts:
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Danna: Girls they wanna, wanna have fun,Girls, they wanna have
They just wanna, they just wanna, they just wanna, they just wanna
Captain Crunch: Uh, hey Danna, is Captain Crunch from KYAN-US News.
Danna: Oh shit. Yea
Captain Crunch: What do you think of your shot this weekend in Fantasy Football?
Danna: Well I feel very blessed I got rid of “fast willie” because; I wanted to protect my daughter from fast guys. I feel more comfortable with brothers from California. They are more sensitive to your needs. Plus, I got rid of that Uncle Tom, Donovan McNabb. I don’t need that fake Cornell West shit around my house. You feel me.
Captain Crunch: Well, yes Dannah, I do feel you, but I wouldn’t call Marshawn Lynch sensitive; he is more of a bruiser. And I concur on your Uncle Tom comments. So can I get a prediction?
Danna: Well let’s just say I am predicted a breakout for the fighting dannahs.
Breakout
Let the party start
We're gonna stay out
Gonna break some hearts
We're gonna dance
Til the dance floor falls apart
Uh oh, all over again
We're gonna wake up
Everyone we know
We're gonna have some fun
Gonna lose control
It feels so good
To let go...
Captain Crunch: Okay, well that’s all for KYAN-US News, I am Captain Crunch saying stay lubed America.